Mad...But Not.

I tried to be mad at God last week. I wanted to be mad. I wanted to rant and rave and wallow in despair. I wanted to not want to have anything to do with Him. Somehow I just couldn't. Somehow something deep down was keeping me buoyant. Somehow that hope and determination to keep on was clinging on very tightly. As I was fighting this, perspective also had the nerve to sneak in. It won.
It sucks when someone puts you back in your place; it actually sucks worse when you do it yourself!

Of course this has to do with the whole job vs Trevor issue. We went on a date Saturday night and had some really quality time together to chat and reconnect. It was much needed and much enjoyed.
Lately, the job issue has just been 'there', suspended in mid air. We ignored it, eye-balled it, alluded to it, made sarcastic comments about it, poked fun at it, did a dance around it once in awhile, even ranted about it, but never really confronted it. We are confronting it this week. We both agreed to do some deep soul searching and praying. Honestly, I'm not sure what to expect exactly; I would love some clarity on where to go from here.
Stay the same? Pursue other options? Change tactics with the current course of action? Me work full time while Trevor is "mom"?? Sell everything and go live off of the land in the bush somewhere? A job to suddenly fall in his lap with a big, floppy bow tied to it?

We both ultimately need to feel a deep sense of peace over the situation, whichever way it goes.

On Sunday we sang this song in church and it hit home, particularly the second paragraph. It describes a little of why I can't be miserable:

Praise is rising, eyes are turning to You
We turn to You
Hope is stirring, hearts are yearning for You
We long for You

When we see You,
we find strength to fact the day
In Your presence
all our fears are washed away, washed away.

Chorus:
Hosanna, Hosanna,
You are the God who saves us,
Worthy of all our praises

Hosanna, Hosanna,
Come have Your way among us
We welcome You here, Jesus.

Hear the sound of hearts returning to You,
We turn to You
In Your kingdom, broken lives are made new,
You make all things new.

Chorus

Songwriter(s): Brenton Gifford Brown, Paul Joseph Baloche

The Bad and The Good

So I wrote this long, blathering, whiney, "poor me" post yesterday.
I decided that I wouldn't subject you all to it but is was a great way to get some thoughts off of my chest.

I will, however, provide you with an overview:
In short, I haven't been feeling especially happy lately.
It feels like everyone around me is in a similar state of mind and since misery loves company I joined in. Work has been a major downer and that brings back thoughts of "I wasn't even supposed to have to work at this point in my life, Trevor should be, finding child care is a pain.. yada yada". I also think that no matter how good moving into our new house has been and is, it is still a change and an adjustment and not as easy as one would think. My 'friend' situation was making me sad. I really, really, really, want a holiday where Trevor, Sierra and I can reconnect as a family and there's no hope of that until maybe summer. I'm feeling run down and desperate for some fun.

At the end of said depressing post I determinedly added some blessing that I have because that's what I do and it makes me feel better:

1. On the days I have to work coming home is extra special: Sierra's face lights up when she sees me and she races over to me with unrestrained enthusiasm and flings her arms around me in a hug. I love her so much and she is a such a joy to me.

2. Singing: I am making some small progress in my technique through voice lessons. As a result I am really enjoying choir and being a part of a team that leads worship at church.

3. My house. It is so nice to just be in my own brand new home and really like it.

4. At least Trevor and I have jobs and can live quite comfortably even if money is strictly budgeted.

5. My awesome husband who loves me and hasn't complained about me being a downer lately.

6. The friends I have are great and the times we get together are quality. Life is busy and I know frequency is hard to attain.

7. Knowing Jesus as my Lord and Saviour and having that hope. If you're a believer you understand, if not and you're curious please ask.

8. Having outlets like this to vent on and people like you to read!

I woke up feeling much better today and had a great morning which included coffee with a friend and a wander through the mall.

Advent Conspiracy

The other day while at work I had a serious craving for chocolate. (no I'm not pregnant - just being a typical woman) I debated with myself on whether to indulge in this craving or not. The debate didn't last long and I succumbed. It was meant to be I tell you, because when I got to the drug store chocolate bars were on a special 3 for @2. Of course I had to buy three. Remarkably I only ate one - that day, I polished off the other two over the next days!
I've been trying so hard to be healthy lately but the last week has been a battle, and I'm not winning. Food is just too good and sometimes resisting junk food is more than I can handle.

Here's something that's been on my mind lately:
As Christmas is quickly approaching so does the bombardment of all the activities and events associated with it: parties, banquets, decorating, church programs, and gift buying are beginning to occupy my thoughts. I enjoy all aspects of the season but they do make life busy and if I'm not careful - stressful.
Gift giving is often my top stress stimulator as I attempt to find time to seek out the perfect items for my friends and family. As a Christian I believe that the focus of Christmas is celebrating our Saviour's birth. While that is true for us, exchanging gifts has also become very special and important with my family. It's not that we're materialistic, it's just that there is something neat about the process of gift giving and receiving that supersedes the worldly end of it. We enjoy buying for each other, congregating together as a family and with friends, and seeing the excitement as each gift is opened. My parents have always done a great job of giving us awesome gifts without extravagant expense. We consistently provide each other with lists of what we want and generally stick to those lists so as to make shopping easier and not end up with unwanted/unneeded items. We never spend a lot of money since there hasn't been much to spend and when there was/is perhaps a little extra my parents set an example of chosing to save it for things like holidays.

A struggle for me is that Trevor was raised differently in that gifts and somewhat Christmas itself were really "no big deal". His family did exchange gifts but did them all on Christmas Eve so Christmas day was often boring for him. (He's told me of stories such as he and a friend driving around in a rental car and using it to push a dumpster off of a loading dock behind a mall.) Not that his family didn't value Christmas or think it special - I've celebrated some very nice Christmases with them, it was just very low-key. Since meeting me Trevor has took a hold of our enthusiasm and joined in with our boisturous Christmas antics; my family is a little crazy and craziness can be infectious. Comparitively, I find his family still very...oh I don't know what word to use, not uninterested but there's not as much zeal as I'm used to. Last year his entire family travelled to his parents (his sister from New York included) and when discussing gifts beforehand his sister suggested just making donations instead. I don't have a problem with that except that it came across as "can't be bothered to do anything else." Recently I also saw a facebook comment of how she hated shopping in relation to Christmas gifts. Trevor's brother only gave us our 2007 gift this past July! This year his parents have flat out told us they don't want anything. When they send gifts they are very conscious of mailing costs and keep the gifts small and minimal and send mostly money. Money is great, don't get me wrong, but at times it feels somewhat like a cop out. Trevor's mom once told me that she doesn't like lists because she prefers the surprise element. To me that just increases the stress level and risks of useless, unappreciated gifts. Although Trevor doesn't say much I sense that he's a little disappointed with the situation.

For me when I shop for gifts I'm thinking about the people I'm buying for. These are people I love and for me the process is about remembering them and who they are and wanting to give them something nice as an expression of that. By telling me not to buy them something I feel robbed of that experience. That's probably why it bothers me when his family doesn't want to do gifts because it's so personal for me and I think it should be for everyone. I have a dear friend who faithfully sends me a box every Christmas. She fills it with all sorts of neat items like candles, ornaments, lip gloss, funky socks, and pens. No item costs much but I know she has taken the time to find these items and I believe she enjoys doing so. That makes me feel special. I try to respect Trevor's family in this for who they are and I love and appreciate them. Yet I still have a really hard time with the gift issue and don't know what to do about it.

Another perspective: Our church is promoting something called Advent Conspiracy. Please check out this link and watch the video. It really affected me how obsessed with 'things' we've become her in North America when people in other areas of the world are dying due to a simple lack of clean water. I like how it doesn't say not to buy gifts but buy less and donate more.

Tralalalalaaaa!

A few months back I wrote a post about music and my life and where it seemed to be. I had a lot of questions but the main one was "Am I meant to still be involved in music or is God calling me to other areas? At the time my fists were still gripped quite tightly to music and weren't really ready to let go. I prayed and talked through it and a few weeks later that grip loosened. Eventually my palms opened up completely and I was honestly able to say to God,
"Here, use me as you see fit."
My arrival at that mindset came from a meeting I had with our music pastor. I felt that I had to speak about his with, being the music guy, before making any definite decisions. We were able to have a comfortable conversation about what music means to me and my current struggles. I also asked where he was going with the various musical aspects in our church. I knew he was a genuinely nice guy and that none of my struggle was his fault but I believe I had this need to blame someone (or something). Our music pastor happened to be the unlucky recipient of that although I'm fairly certain he was never aware. I am relieved to say that any hard feelings towards him that I once harboured disappeared with our talk.
I left that meeting feeling as if I was good at what I contributed musically but that I didn't need it anymore. Music didn't have to define me. Of course I would be thrilled to continue but if that was not meant to be than something else would be there to bring just as much joy.
Two weeks ago I got an email from my worship pastor. He asked me to be on a regular Sunday morning worship team! Yayyy! Excitement followed. Then the awesome responability of it also set in. I am one of nine singers that get this honour out of about thirty volunteers. All I can say to this is that it is obviously God and this is definitely what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm sure that list of volunteers included better vocalists than I am and yet I get to sing on a team. Wow.
There was a meeting yesterday morning with those of use involved on worship team, singers and musicians and sound techs, and the enormity of this role was made quite clear. We are seen up front and center on a regular basis; we are a very visible representation of the church. Music is a major thing in churchs and we are it. At the same time we are not to be the focus, God is. People will know who we are and we were encouraged to remain spiritually solid so that Sunday morning worship will be about God.
I am far from perfect but after last week I am in a very strong spiritual place right now. I pray that I can continue in this direction. Vocally, I have already sought out taking voice lessons in order to add some strength and confidance and quality to my singing. God is entrusting me with this I need to do the best I can.

Perspective

As you know, I've struggled mightily with Trevor getting a job and with our financial stability (or lack there-of) I've taken it upon myself to worry and plan and attempt to control the situation. I didn't do this everyday but here and there the panic would creep in and I'd begin to fret again. This past weekend I felt God urging me to fast and pray on Monday in order to gain some perspective and peace on this issue. I did just that and here are some of the thoughts that came to mind:
What is there that I can control?
Can I create jobs?
No.
Can I make Trevor's resume jump out at those reading it?
No.
Can I instill an infectious aura into Trevor that forces someone to feel that they need to hire him?
No.
Can I make other teachers sick or formulate meetings so subs are needed?
No.
Can put Trevor on top of the list so he's called first when subs are needed?
No.
So....why try to? Why concern myself with all that - and more?

Than I thought back on my life and realized a few more things, again. (I've had to go through this before) Has God ever not followed through for us?
No.
Are we starving?
Not.
Are we dressed shabbily?
No.
Has our housing ever been inadequate?
No.
Have we ever had a $0 bank account?
No.
Do we still have more than enough?
YES!!
I could go on. The fact is, we are extremely fortunate. This crazy society puts forth a belief that we always need more. Like the fancy new fridges and stoves that are out (see previous post). Fashion TV shows that imply $300 jeans will make my bum look better than the $40 ones. Cars that drive faster and look flashier are said to somehow better my life. Exotic trips to get away from life and relax. These, and of course the endless list of other 'things', might give me temporary pleasure but they get old and inferior as newer and better things are continually invented or designed, so we constantly want more. It's a vicious never ending cycle that can suck us deep into it's core if we let it, which is extremely easy to do.

I'm not saying that I should drive an old clunker car and live in a ramshackle apartment or dress in frumpy clothes. I'm saying that I needed to sit back and look at my entire life in it's whole. I hate wanting more all the time, I find all these wants insatiable. I desire(d) peace and contentment and to live with the faith and trust that everything will be okay; God will take care of me. I know all this but my heart needs to connect with the logic in my head again.

On Monday and since, a few cool things occurred.
A. I read Scripture in the Bible that strongly encourage faith. Hebrews 11 provides numerous Old Testament examples of people who trusted God and did so without the promise of heaven. I have that promise and yet minuscule faith in comparison. Reading it renewed and increased my believe that everything will turn out.
B. Trevor came home having secured several more subbing jobs for the week where he initially only had one. This is after he had phoned in the middle of the day saying that his low-paying-in-between job probably wouldn't have much work for him this week.
C. My mind worked through Trevor and work:
1. The right position hasn't come along yet.
2. Someone else may have needed a job more than him.
3. A student perhaps needed a different person to be their teacher.
4. A student or teacher may need him to be their sub at a certain time.
5. Maybe I or Sierra need him to only sub for now for unknown reasons.
There's also sorts of outlooks on this but overall I saw that it's not all about me/us; a whole world exists out there.
D. A job was posted yesterday for grade 8 science, and computers in the school in our town.
E. Peace has come, for now. It's so freeing. Unfortunately and sadly, it's so easy to get wrapped up in materialism and such an 'Earthly' life and I will likely succumb again. That's not meant pessimistically, but realistically. Maybe that insight will increase awareness and I can shake my head back into reality a little quicker next time.

Weekend of Renewel.

I’m going to tell you about the delightful get-a-way Trevor, Sierra and I had from Friday night to Sunday morning and all the fun and resoltions that came of it. The idea only came to me last weekend when I was in a disgruntled mood about the state of my life. As I moped around in silence I starting thinking and analyzing my mood, so I asked,

“Self, what is wrong with you?”

“I think I’m peopled out,” Self answered.

“Our living arrangements are great but it’s not just us anymore. I have Mom and Dad, and Trevor and Sierra around any time I’m home. Since Sierra so enjoys her Granny and Grandpa it’s difficult to disappear into the basement for extended periods of family or alone time.”

Self paused thoughtfully.

“I believe I need some down time to myself and with our little family.”

I mused for a moment and then a light bulb lit up in my weary brain.

“Well, what if Trevor, Sierra and I go away next weekend; just the three of us, and spend some time simply with each other?” I suggested to Self.

“That is a fabulous idea!” Self said enthusiastically.

I brought this idea to Trevor who also readily agreed.

After our restaurant adventure on Friday we drove for a little over an hour to a tiny town called Mountain View. Mountain View is in the foothills at the base of the Rocky Mountains and offers spectacular “Mountain Views”. We stayed in a bed-and-breakfast called “Simply the Best” run by a nice Mormon family. (In fact 95% of Mountain View residents are Mormon) From Mountain View we drove the fifteen minutes to Waterton National Park and spent most of Saturday there.

Here’s what we did:

We tried a little hike but Sierra didn't enjoy being in the Snuggli, she wanted to run around on her own! We managed a forty minute walk.

She decided to fill the backpack with rocks.

The deer are so tame they came right up to us.

Just the three of us.

Not only did we have some great family time but Trevor and I had the opportunity to finally just talk.
A big overhanging issue is his lack of getting a job. Here we were at the end of August with the school year beginning on Tuesday and Trevor didn't have a contract position. I know the first couple of weeks of school will reveal actual student numbers and government funding so some positions may appear but...
my faith in Trevor getting a job has all but disappeared.
I truly believed that Trevor would have a job by now. There really was no "if" in my mind. God calls us to have faith so that is what I did. The blatant fact at hand has shaken me deeply. I felt very betrayed and let down and hopeless.
Then I begrudgingly admitted that God's timing is often not our own, it's not as if Trevor would have no work, and God has been good to us thus far so why woudn't He continue?
Trevor shared some similar feelings along with questioning if teaching is really what he is supposed to do. At what point do we go from having faith that we will reach the destination along the chosen path to considering alternate paths?
I personally don't feel we need to change our route just yet as there haven't even been any job opportunities. If there was position after position that Trevor was just not getting hired for than I would be more likely to say perhaps he should consider something else.
It's only been a year, after all.
So for now, he subs and we dig deep down and cling to the faith that God knows best.

As for me and my job - I work full time this week yet and then Trevor and I have agreed that I'll move down to two days a week. I'll work Fridays and Trevor won't. It's only a half day for teachers so Trevor won't be missing as much by being unavailable. I will also work Tuesdays and, when it's my turn in the rotation, Saturday instead. It means that Trevor will have to be quite proactive in getting himself known as a sub to maintain relatively consistent work for a relatively consistent income. The more he works, the more he's known, and the more chance he has at getting a job later. All this means that I only have to find child care for Sierra for one day a week at most. That's the plan for now with keeping an open mind that it may have to change.
That's our life on the job front as we head into September. It is not ideal but we've accepted it and will make the best of it.

"Self, how do feel now?" I ask on this dreary, rainy, holiday Monday afternoon.
"I feel all right, issues are talked out and we're moving forward," Self nodded with a satisfied look.
"How about you?"
"I'm feeling pretty good about life right now too, thanks for being there!"
"No problem!"

Lamenting

I’ve been in such an unpleasant state of mind lately. ‘Unpleasant’ is a nice way of putting it. Try as I may to subdue my mood I feel like I am spiraling downward and it has managed to manifest itself into physical attributes. My hair is standing on end, the claws and fangs have come out, and I seem to have developed a growl.

I need to vent:

1. I’m tired. I’m tired of being tired all the time. I regularly have good intentions of going to bed early yet somehow that never happens. This is in part due to Sierra having a late bed-time so my alone time with Trevor would get cut short. I’m so awful to be around lately so I should just save the poor man and go to bed! Going to bed early isn’t the only solution – not getting woken up at night would also really help the sleeping. If it’s not the cats fighting or one of them yowling for no reason it’s Trevor snoring! Or I’m hot. Or I’m cold. Or my back hurts. Or I have indigestion There seems to always be something.

2. The novelty of work has worn off. I will still gladly say I don’t hate it, most of the time I would still use the word ‘like’. I almost cried Sunday night, all I want(ed) was to be a stay-at-home mom again. Work takes so much dang time and energy out of one’s day. Full-time work is definitely much harder with a child.
3. I feel fat and bloated and unattractive. (That is such a girl thing!) Getting back into working has meant that exercise is lacking but the eating isn’t. You do the math. I have only gained maybe a couple of pounds and I know it’s more mental than anything. I try but the ‘tired’ part is making it feel like I'm climbing a mountain with no end.
4. My chronic indigestion/heartburn is back. Stress, lack of exercise, and coffee are the instigators of that. This malady doesn’t help with the bloating department either. I feel yucky most evenings.
5. Working full-time and having no holiday is contributing to me feeling gypped out of summer. I don't to do the delightful summer things like go the pool with Sierra.
6. Sierra has turned into the worst and picky eater. She insist on eating most food by herself - what a disaster that is! - and only eats Arrowroot cookies, oatmeal, yogurt, and grilled cheese sandwiches. I worry that my child is malnourished and starving but I suppose she'll eat if she's hungry.
   
7. I live with my parents in a dark basement. It is a nice basement but the whole idea of it…30years old and back at home!
8. I can’t seem to make time for God. Likely - this is the main culprit of me turning into an animal.

Sorry to do this do you. I promise I won’t post again until I am cheerful. It’s a drag to feel this way so it can’t be any better to read about it! I know that my life is actually quite good and there are a lot of things going for me and I shouldn't feel like this.

But I do and I need to wallow for a bit.

The Sound Of Music

Beware - this is along one!

I was six years old, nearer to seven actually, when I excitedly watched the piano being lugged and heaved by strong, sweating men into my parents house. (Pianos are incredibly heavy beasts!) It was carefully brought in through the front door and placed along the far wall of the living room. As soon as those men were gone I was at that piano, my little fingers pressing the ivory keys in wonder.

My lessons began that fall with a kindly lady who lived across the street, her name was Mrs. Doerksen. I was hooked and diligently continued lessons up to and including my first year of Bible school. I had four different teachers during those twelve years: after Mrs. Doerksen there was meticulous Mrs. Pahl, then eccentric Glen Montgomery, and I concluded with a pretty young blond lady who I can’t remember the name of. (I only studied under her for one year so I won’t feel too bad.) I truly enjoyed playing the piano and coaxing songs out of the intricately written notes. There were definitely times when I wished that the piano had never been invented but overall I loved it. The music that I was able to create carried my soul into a unique, fulfilling place.

The piano wasn’t the only form of music I was blessed with being able to create. I also sang in many choirs at church, school and Bible College. My voice wasn't/isn't what one would call superb, and to this day I’m too chicken to sing solos, but I can nicely hold my own. Then flute became my emphatic choice of instrument when band entered the picture in school. I picked it up naturally and blew my way into being one of the better flutists our bands had while I was a student. I even took private lessons for a year but then my mom made me choose between flute or piano and piano won. Gradually music became my “thing”. I was a member of every choir and band I could be. Music made me feel alive and important. It was the perfect way for me to express my inner being and feel fulfilled. I rarely tired of my musical activities.

I majored in music at Bible College for two years, although the program wasn’t particularly good. After graduating with a diploma I contemplated studying music more seriously at university. The reality of taking music to a career level is that you either had to be exceptionally good at an instrument and become a performer (which I wasn’t) or plan to teach it (which wasn’t me either). On top of that, the idea of university didn’t really thrill me so I decided against that idea. I ended up getting engaged shortly after Bible College, working for a year before getting married and than settling into the reality of life. Music, although still present, took a secondary seat.

I played in a community band for a year and then my husband got a job as a youth pastor in Calgary. At our church there we got involved with leading the youth worship team. Our weekly practices and the Sundays we lead worship became my highlights. Five years were spent in Calgary and then life took us back here. We took a year off from church involvements then I once again joined a worship team and the church choir. Rehearsals and the Sundays I was required in either role were my favourite times. I loved nothing more than singing to my Lord.

Then this past year everything changed. Our church hired a new, very skilled worship pastor. His talent and personality and the fact that he was new encouraged many musically gifted people to appear and volunteer their talents. The choir grew into a huge and impersonal group from the intimate social gathering it once was for me. Suddenly, without explanation, I was also no longer a member of a worship team. The thrill I once got our of music waned but I persevered because I knew that change always brings about challenges and adjustments.

My voice then began to fail me which didn’t help matters. One thought is that due to allergies I had nasal drip which affected the vocal chords. Another thought is that the type of music sung in choir didn’t stretch my voice enough so it got rusty. A third thought is at that pregnancy changes a body and my singing abilities were included in that. Whatever the reason for my vocal deterioration I grew increasingly frustrated with singing but continued with choir, not willing to give it up. I was asked to play my flute in the orchestras for the Christmas and Easter productions which was a fun, rejuvenating change that gave my voiced a break. My singing voice still isn’t up to par though.

All in all music-and-me has changed and I can no longer ignore that fact. I’ve never been phenomenal or one that people would comment on how nice I sound using whatever instrument. That was okay because I believed I had adequate talent (I hope so anyway, I trusted my husband and family to be honest with me in that area) and I had fun. Now I don’t enjoy it nor do feel good enough anymore.

Is it the new worship pastor?

Is it me?

Is it God urging me in other directions through these factors?

For the first time in my life I am seriously considering putting music aside. The mere thought of it saddens me to the depths my being but that appears to be where circumstances are leading me. My soul is screaming “NOOOO!!!”. But my mind is starting to give up and give in to the reality that music is not what it once was for me.

I’ve always had music. It is what has defined a large part of me. Now I may have to let it go which means rediscovering that part of ‘me’.

I should be excited because if this is how things are to be than that means that God has something else in store for me.

I’m still not 100% convinced that this is what I need to do.

For now I’m hanging on to my music and thinking and searching.

Home Sweet Home

Did I ever think that at 30 years old I'd be moving back "home" with my parents? Back in my same old bedroom in the basement, back in my same old bathroom with the leaky shower door....

Nope, definitely not on my list of life goals.

But alas, that is exactly what has occurred. Fortunately the list of "sames olds" isn't much longer than those mentioned above. The house has been renovated and updated quite a bit since I moved out when we got married.

The move went relatively well. It was a huge amount of work and our new basement abode is quite a mess. I loathe packing and moving. Actually, I don't know anyone who enjoys it but if you do, we need to talk. After moving into our future new house I'm determined never to go through his again. Trevor seems to think that we might sell this next one and engage in this process (minus the moving in with parents) again to make money and attempt to eradicate our mortgage. I, on the other hand, plan to live there until a ripe old age and then die in this next house. Moving is murder on one's physical and mental being. I am weary to the core. Yet somehow my body and my mind are still running full bore on adrenalin from all the activity. We put in many long days that sapped all my energy and yet I've still had trouble sleeping!
Cleaning our house was the worst. Trevor's parents were here so they watched Sierra leaving us to ourselves to make our house worthy for someone else to move into. We basically worked alone which left me to my thoughts which was not good. Many memories came flooding back. Memories of our move to the house from Calgary - how much I didn't want to leave our life there and didn't like the house. Memories of how much sweat equity we put into the house to get it where we did like. Memories of how good life here has turned our and the fun we've had in the house. (I am such a woman!) I cried at the very end, bid the house farewell and drove off.

But...

There's always a but during these sentimental moments...right?

I know that all of this is all so we can get closer to better things. We are in a transition phase. Trevor and I are going to be building our personal dream home. It won't be an extravagant mansion built with an endless financial source or anything like that, it will be a house built for specifically for us to hopefully last a lifetime. I am extremely thankful to be in the place we are. What my parents are doing for use by allowing us to live with them is invaluable. Sure there will likely be some challenges ahead but there is a finish line in sight.

Despite the strangeness and unsettledness of the situation it is very comforting to be here. We get along fabulously with my parents and they have a beautiful house and yard.

It is, after all, still home.

Work, Shmork

It's a beautiful morning with a clear blue sky, warm glowing sun....and I'm inside on the computer in my cold basement. Something is wrong with this scenario. I'll blame the not being fully awake yet, although some fresh air would likely help.
Anyway, I've had a good many thoughts roaming through my head lately that are needing to be released. Here's one out of the plethora of issues plaguing me:
I've thought this before but I believe more and more that work is a necessary evil and a grand nuisance. It simply swallows up way too much time, time that keeps me away from Sierra. I often work from 9a.m. until 5:30p.m and add on a half an hour for travel (fortunately I live nice and close). Sierra has been going to bed late and waking up late so I haven't had the joy of her little smile before I leave each day. She's recently been napping during the late afternoon so she's also asleep when I come home! This does provide for a quiet supper for Trevor and I but I'm starting to feel gypped with spending time with Sierra. It's hard. I so enjoyed being a stay at home mom. I like being responsible for the household duties such as laundry, grocery shopping and cooking. I am not a career minded person. Something is wrong with the state of affairs here.
My consolation is that Sierra and Trevor are getting quality time together. It is really special to hear about their days. Dads often don't get this opportunity so Trevor feels very fortunate and is cherishing it. My fear is that Trevor won't get a job in fall and I'll be stuck working full-time past the summer. I was the breadwinner for three years while he went to university. Been there, done that, don't want to do it again.

I'm Melting!

Tears. Self-pity. A bit of pouting.

That was me last night. I had a bit of a melt down. I'm a woman, women are emotional. We do these things occasionally.
Why?
Well, it isn't easy getting used this new routine in our household. I literally stand for eight hours at my new job with only minutes of sitting besides my half-hour lunch break. After work I come home to an adorable little girl starving for my attention for the next few hours. Add to that other home duties (although Trevor has been amazing with domestic tasks) and being away for three (two extended time) weekends out of the past five. Then this recent weekend was way busier than I wanted and voila! - my break down.
It didn't last more than ten minutes. It wasn't hysterical or anything either. It was just little bit of "poor me" and "it isn't supposed to be this way!"
I'm okay now. It really isn't too bad and my body will get used to this. Before I know it I hope to be thinking,
"No, Problem!"

Bitter-Sweet Day

Here's to my first Mother's Day and my last day (for now) as a stay-at-home mom.

It's been a bitter-sweet day and I'm cherishing it's last hours

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I am incredibly thankful for Sierra. I love her so much, never dreaming I could love someone like I love her. I feel privileged to have her as my daughter. She has brought many new facets into my life.

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As I reflect on this past year I can truly say that I've enjoyed it all. Sure, there were those bad days where I wanted to disappear from existence, but overall it's been a great start to being a mom!

I anticipate the days, months, and years to come.

Sorting Life Out

I just had five (two were for travelling) fantastical, wonderful, carefree days. Of course I missed and was mildly concerned for Sierra but beyond that I was completely relaxed and at ease and "in the moment". Now I'm home and reality has slammed me into a wall. It almost seems like Disneyland was simply a great dream.

I'm not complaining. I certainly feel fortunate and thankful for the amazing trip. I think the contrast is just making reality a little harder to come to terms with right now.

Here's me, spilling out my worries:

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Our house has not sold. We're facing the options of replacing windows, aggressively (agent term, it helps it sound like a good thing!) lowering the price, offering a bonus to the agent who sells it, waiting it out, or renting the place instead of selling. I just got a call from our agent who was all doomsday about the housing market due to a local call center shutting down and 400 jobs being lost - hence his encouraging a drastic price cut. I think our agent is needlessly panicking. For one thing, this company that is closing employed people aren't likely home owners or prospective buyers anyway. But the market is definitely not what it was last year. We need to sell our house sooner than later which means seriously looking things over and coming up with a plan.

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My mat leave ends in two weeks and I return to work. Free (sort of) government money has been great this past year. Trevor will stay home so our income is dropping significantly. If our house was sold and we were living at my parents than no problem. Once Trevor has a teaching job also no problem. Problem: that is not the case and we cannot afford our current expenses on my earnings alone. There are a few costs we can cut out but not enough to shrink the total into my income bracket. We have to look for another source of money.

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As I just mentioned I'm going back to work in 11 days and it makes me want to cry. It took until after Christmas to get into the routine of being a stay-at-home mom. I love to cook and keep house and be 'wifely'. Summer is approaching and I want to be able to go for walks and play outside with Sierra, every day. There are so many other things I want to do now that Sierra is more independent. Get a grip, it's likely only for 3 1/2 months.

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I've complete the Body for Life program without achieving the desired results. That's all I'm saying about that.

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Trevor was supposed to get a job this year, I was supposed only return to work for a day or two a week, our house was supposed to sell quickly, and this crazy Body for Life program was supposed to work better!

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Do we have grand plans for ourselves or what?
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God's plans are apparently not the same as our plans. I've been taught that God's plans are better than ours. It's even proven to be the case so far in my life so I believe it now too. It's just so hard being in the middle of it! I need to feel some peace about the circumstances in my life right now. I'm all knotted up and stressed inside and it's not good. I want to feel how I felt in Disneyland. I know that all I have to do is give it up to God. I know He's taking care of me and everything will work out.

So how does "knowing" becoming "feeling?"

Dear God...

My prayer process last night went like this:

Dear God,

Please make tomorrow a better day. Make Sierra eat and sleep better and not be a small bear. Make Trevor not snap at me when what I say doesn't come out right. Make me feel happier...Wait a minute, I know you can change others but the problem is really me so I should focus on myself instead.

Okay. Help me have a better outlook on tomorrow. Help me to have patience with Sierra and enjoy her. Please help me not to say dumb things that prompt unpleasant responses. Help me....

Stop. That's right either, too many "help me"s. I need to look directly to the source of my life and soul, then change can happen.

God, I want to simply focus on you tomorrow. I know that my entire view on life will then change. Any adversity I face will seem different, bearable. With my focus on you I will become an ever-so-tiny bit more like you which will enable me to handle things in a way honouring to you.

Really , my life on Earth is not about me at all.

It's all about you.

Amen

Words

Why do the words that come out of my mouth not sound like I mean them to? I feel like I've been saying stupid things lately. It's like perma-PMS. What's wrong with me? I'm sorry. Maybe I'll just cease speaking for awhile.

Time

I overheard some comments from a few mothers the other day about “getting this baby/toddler stage over with”. Not those exact words but that idea. My first reaction was one of a little sadness for them. To wish away such a precious time is foreign to me, I haven’t had thoughts like that at all. I can honestly say that I’ve been able to cherish my time with Sierra these past nine and a half months. There are certainly days that I’m glad are over but I really enjoy watching Sierra grow into the person God created her to be.

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Now, I am in no way suggesting that these mothers don't love or enjoy their children. I also realize that I only have one child who is not yet a year old so I am willing to be open to the fact that I might feel like that at some point too. I know as well that Trevor and I waited a long time (by choice) before staring our family while others may not have had that. In other words each situation is unique. My feelings on this stem, in part, from while I was working. I spent most of my days wishing time would pass by faster. Too many days went by without enjoyment. I also turned 30 last fall and although I'm not old I am getting older and it hit me how fast life is progressing. I don't want to waste any of it anymore.

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Some of my Sierra delights:

She absolutely loves to walk with Trevor’s or my help (or whoever else is willing!). Her babble vocabulary is expanding, her taste for different foods is becoming more diverse, her smile melts our hearts daily, and her delight at seeing us when we’ve been away is priceless. Her hand-eye coordination is spectacular: the other day she grabbed a moving ant off the floor and yesterday she managed to pick up a hair!

Bemoaning

Trevor did not get the job. I am crushed. I didn't think I was hoping for it that much until he got turned down.

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I don't know what to say. It feels as if God dangled a treat in front of my eyes and then took it away. I guess it means I'm going back to work for sure (I'd allowed myself the luxury of planning summer without having to work full-time). I could provide you with a long list of my complaints of work and how awful I think it will be, but I won't. I am hopeful that full-time work won't be a necessity too long anyway. I can't believe how bad my attitude is towards this though; I hate how I feel.

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I know we have a good life. Many mom's have to work much, much sooner after giving birth and for their whole lives. Many mom's also don't have loving husbands to help them parent and provide. Overall I am thankful for my time with Sierra and our situation.

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I just want to wretch and moan and feel sorry for myself right now and NOT feel guilty about it. I shouldn't do that. I don't want to waste this lovely time being a grump.

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I know I'll get over it.

Shivers

Making music has always reached my soul; it enables me to go to places otherwise unreachable. I have been blessed with musical abilities in playing the piano and flute, and singing. Although I don't excel in any one of these areas I feel that I am capable enough to be involved without embarrassment. I am extremely fortunate to be a part of a church that offers me opportunities to use my love of creating music. We have a fabulously talented worship pastor who is utilizing music within the church in ways not seen during my three plus years there. I find that the fulfilling part of music in this capacity is that the focus is not on ourselves, it is on God.

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We had our first dress rehearsal of the church Easter production Thursday night. The production is forty minutes long and is a drama unfolding to continuous music. The only speaking is done by a narrator with the accompaniment consisting of the choir, orchestra and a few solos. I am a part of the orchestra. The production depicts the last three days of Christ's life; his crucifixion and then resurrection. For me the crucifixion scene is particularly powerful. The music turns harsher and has a foreboding sense. The choir acts as an angry crowd and yells "crucify him!" many times while "Jesus" is getting whipped.

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I had shivers.

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I can't put into words how I felt; I know I felt like crying. It really hit me that Jesus actually went through this- only it was much worse. He did that for us!

For me.

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This is a case where music once again transported me to unique place.

Fretting

"Stress: the worry experienced by a person in particular circumstances, or the state of anxiety caused by this."

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Yup, that's me. I didn't realize it until I spent Wednesday night tossing and turning in bed, and then roaming the house during hours not meant to be consciously experienced. My sleeplessness was in part due to my infliction of horrific heartburn. Heartburn is not that unusual for me but when I do get it it goes away by 2am or so and has a legitimate reason for being there. I did not eat or drink anything bad Wednesday night and it refused to go away until close to 5am. My mind would also NOT shut off, which contributed to the aforesaid not sleeping. I even got up at 3am to read my magazine and eat some crackers in attempt to settle my stomach down. I NEVER get up in the middle of the night because I can't sleep.

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Why stressed?

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1. What a pain in the $#%^ to try and keep our house ridiculously clean and tidy and "show worthy" for selling with a baby and a husband around.

2. Selling our house. We never know if we'll have to disappear at inconvenient hours to allow for a showing.

3. Trevor not getting called to sub much during the last couple of weeks

4. Money; bill paying

5. My going back to work and other "work" choices.

6. Other life busyness that in itself is manageable but with everything else is another 50 pound weight.

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"This too shall pass".

Choices

A little more than two and a half months from now my maternity leave runs out. How fast the time has gone! No offense to my old job but I'd rather have teeth pulled. Dictated hours, sell 'this', sell 'that' by 'this' process, dealing with ornery people, and I could go on. I've been trying to get my brain to accept it and muster up some positive thinking, but with only minute success.

Since the idea of returning to work became a reality I've also been on the look out for alternative methods of employment - "something better". I tried FHTM, I've recently been approached by a friend on kicking up my Mary Kay selling, and I got a call from a shall-remain-unnamed person putting a bug in my ear to consider working for them. All of a sudden I have choices! Late last night when I should have been in the depths of slumber I was contemplating (stupid brain) and came up with these thoughts:

1. I am, or used to be, good at sales.

2. I love Mary Kay product and the products under FHTM - do I explore that path further?

3. Then again I hate being proactive and phoning people up. Hence my Mary Kay putting along just enough to fund my personal habit and FHTM being a flop. At least in a store people came to me.

4. The company I'm currently employed with is not a bad place; they've actually treated me quite well. It's just that they are a big company and the bottom line is earning as much money as possible and nothing else truely matters.

4. I ask for options, options come, am I just being picky?

5. All these options are along the same line!!!!!!!!! Is this my fate and I'm fighting it or what?

6. I don't want much, just the perfect job if I have to work at all.

Sorry to ramble. I wish I could just let this all go. Honestly, when I left for maternity leave last May I thought I was done with full time work forever. I felt/feel that I have done my part. I've stuck out work in a place that hasn't been my ideal for years. I did this to further benefit Trevor and me financially and so he could go to university to pursue his dream. I feel like now it's my turn. Oh wait, no, life doesn't work like that. Trevor does not have a full time job so....that pretty much puts me back in the seat of responsibility. (He can't sub in summer and no other part-time job will pay as well as my job)

I know, I know, "consider the big picture", "God knows best" blah, blah, blah. Perhaps my heart will agree one of these days.