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I just had five (two were for travelling) fantastical, wonderful, carefree days. Of course I missed and was mildly concerned for Sierra but beyond that I was completely relaxed and at ease and "in the moment". Now I'm home and reality has slammed me into a wall. It almost seems like Disneyland was simply a great dream.
I'm not complaining. I certainly feel fortunate and thankful for the amazing trip. I think the contrast is just making reality a little harder to come to terms with right now.
Here's me, spilling out my worries:
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Our house has not sold. We're facing the options of replacing windows, aggressively (agent term, it helps it sound like a good thing!) lowering the price, offering a bonus to the agent who sells it, waiting it out, or renting the place instead of selling. I just got a call from our agent who was all doomsday about the housing market due to a local call center shutting down and 400 jobs being lost - hence his encouraging a drastic price cut. I think our agent is needlessly panicking. For one thing, this company that is closing employed people aren't likely home owners or prospective buyers anyway. But the market is definitely not what it was last year. We need to sell our house sooner than later which means seriously looking things over and coming up with a plan.
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My mat leave ends in two weeks and I return to work. Free (sort of) government money has been great this past year. Trevor will stay home so our income is dropping significantly. If our house was sold and we were living at my parents than no problem. Once Trevor has a teaching job also no problem. Problem: that is not the case and we cannot afford our current expenses on my earnings alone. There are a few costs we can cut out but not enough to shrink the total into my income bracket. We have to look for another source of money.
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As I just mentioned I'm going back to work in 11 days and it makes me want to cry. It took until after Christmas to get into the routine of being a stay-at-home mom. I love to cook and keep house and be 'wifely'. Summer is approaching and I want to be able to go for walks and play outside with Sierra, every day. There are so many other things I want to do now that Sierra is more independent. Get a grip, it's likely only for 3 1/2 months.
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I've complete the Body for Life program without achieving the desired results. That's all I'm saying about that.
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Trevor was supposed to get a job this year, I was supposed only return to work for a day or two a week, our house was supposed to sell quickly, and this crazy Body for Life program was supposed to work better!
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Do we have grand plans for ourselves or what?
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God's plans are apparently not the same as our plans. I've been taught that God's plans are better than ours. It's even proven to be the case so far in my life so I believe it now too. It's just so hard being in the middle of it! I need to feel some peace about the circumstances in my life right now. I'm all knotted up and stressed inside and it's not good. I want to feel how I felt in Disneyland. I know that all I have to do is give it up to God. I know He's taking care of me and everything will work out.
So how does "knowing" becoming "feeling?"
1 comment:
I feel for you. I have dilemmas, like the only way for our lives to get better and move on is if my husband moves back to US, but that would mean it would probably take at least a year before the boys and I could go over. The only way I cope when everything seems too huge and out of my control, is to concentrate on the moment; take one day at a time, and know that there is a reason for everything, even if we cannot see it at the time. Keep the faith. I lost my mother last year, so how I see it is I would rather be here dealing with these problems than not being here.
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