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Monday, April 6, 2009

Mad...But Not.

I tried to be mad at God last week. I wanted to be mad. I wanted to rant and rave and wallow in despair. I wanted to not want to have anything to do with Him. Somehow I just couldn't. Somehow something deep down was keeping me buoyant. Somehow that hope and determination to keep on was clinging on very tightly. As I was fighting this, perspective also had the nerve to sneak in. It won.
It sucks when someone puts you back in your place; it actually sucks worse when you do it yourself!

Of course this has to do with the whole job vs Trevor issue. We went on a date Saturday night and had some really quality time together to chat and reconnect. It was much needed and much enjoyed.
Lately, the job issue has just been 'there', suspended in mid air. We ignored it, eye-balled it, alluded to it, made sarcastic comments about it, poked fun at it, did a dance around it once in awhile, even ranted about it, but never really confronted it. We are confronting it this week. We both agreed to do some deep soul searching and praying. Honestly, I'm not sure what to expect exactly; I would love some clarity on where to go from here.
Stay the same? Pursue other options? Change tactics with the current course of action? Me work full time while Trevor is "mom"?? Sell everything and go live off of the land in the bush somewhere? A job to suddenly fall in his lap with a big, floppy bow tied to it?

We both ultimately need to feel a deep sense of peace over the situation, whichever way it goes.

On Sunday we sang this song in church and it hit home, particularly the second paragraph. It describes a little of why I can't be miserable:

Praise is rising, eyes are turning to You
We turn to You
Hope is stirring, hearts are yearning for You
We long for You

When we see You,
we find strength to fact the day
In Your presence
all our fears are washed away, washed away.

Hosanna, Hosanna,
You are the God who saves us,
Worthy of all our praises

Hosanna, Hosanna,
Come have Your way among us
We welcome You here, Jesus.

Hear the sound of hearts returning to You,
We turn to You
In Your kingdom, broken lives are made new,
You make all things new.


Songwriter(s): Brenton Gifford Brown, Paul Joseph Baloche

1 comment:

BloomingAlmond said...

Things will get better... In some way or another. Be strong!